How to Stop "Should-ing" On Yourself and Others.

Hello beloved readers,

I’ve been thinking a lot about expectations. Specifically society’s expectations for what makes a successful life. There are so many brilliant and talented people who never share their art, or make their thoughts known because they’ve abided by the invisible and arbitrary shoulds and shouldn’ts of life.

Today’s piece is an edited and abridged transcription of a live conversation positive psychiatrist Samantha Boardman invited me to have with her last year during Mental Health Awareness Month. The topic: How and why we must stop “should-ing” ourselves.

I hope you get something from it. If you know someone who needs to stop should-ing, please share this newsletter with them.

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LET’S GET INTO IT…

Samantha Boardman: Hi. I am so excited today to introduce and to be in conversation with Amanda Stern who is a fellow newsletter writer, and to discuss mental health, during mental health awareness month.

And Amanda…I've just been in awe of her newsletters. I've been sharing them with people, I've been sending them to friends, sending them to patients and just sharing my enthusiasm for the work she's doing and how she has this unbelievable ability to articulate what so many of us are feeling. In one of her newsletters, Amanda recently wrote about self-doubt, quote:

I think this resonates with so many people. It really resonated with a lot of the people that I shared it with. And it speaks to, I think, what people are grappling with, and going through. This foundational idea that there is a single way to be reminded me of a phrase that I heard in my training, we need to stop “should-ing” on ourselves and “should-ing” on others.

And so, I really wanted to talk to Amanda more about this and really dig into this idea. So, Amanda, hi!

Amanda Stern: Hi. Hi. So nice to see you.

SB: So happy to see you. And I’m so excited to have this conversation. I think it's so necessary, and your writing resonates with so many. You have this amazing ability to say and put into words what many people are thinking and I love the way you're doing that. And so, can you talk more about this idea about should-ing on ourselves and others and the shame that this engenders?

AS: Yes. Well, first of all, thank you so much for asking me to do this. I'm very excited, I’m a huge fan of yours and your newsletter. I'm very happy to be here.

So, I feel like when you grow up to believe that you should be doing or acting or behaving a certain way, you start sending yourself the message that there's a correct way to be, and you inadvertently create a framework for yourself that is really limiting, and it doesn't enlarge you. It just sort of shrinks you. That feeling that you’re not doing what you “should be doing” can feel shameful, leading you to be self-conscious and aware of everything you’re doing.

SB: Is there a way to get around this kind of finger-wagging? You know when we say, “Oh, I should have done this,” or, you know “I should have said that.” When you chastise yourself for not thinking something through or not being better at something than you are? I think it's both about looking at the past, about how things should have been, and then also looking forward, like oh tomorrow, “I should do this” and then obligation and burden enter the conversation.

One thing you and I have both written about separately, and there are a lot of overlapping pieces here, is perfectionism, and this feels like another box that we put ourselves in, that’s hard to reimagine, like imagine any other way of this “should” world we’re living in. What are the skills that have helped you break out of that? What helped you find another path that was free of should-ing?

AS: Well, first, I think it's important to say that there's never really one thing for anything: there's not one solution. I think you have to first pay attention to how and when you are should-ing, and to question it, ask yourself—“Is this true?” “Should” I be doing this? What, or whom, “should I be doing this for?” Do I even believe what I’m telling myself I “should” do?

I am a huge reader, and studier, which is ironic because I never was until I was well out of school. The goal to feel better necessitates the will to change, and reading is a great first step to learning the tools you need to grow.

SB: I love what you're saying. Because even reading fiction and novels, I know from patients, is such an extraordinary reminder that there is another way to be in one's life. You reminded me—I said to my son recently “You should take better notes.” And he looked at me and was like, “Should I”? because he knows that I often say like, “Stop should-ing” on people.

But I like your point about your beliefs. And the idea that we can look into intrinsic motivation to do something more extrinsically motivated. We know that when it’s intrinsic, it's much more meaningful. But, maybe a third piece of that is that it’s values-driven, it's what your beliefs are; what feels meaningful to you. It's a way to frame it. And I think that can help us get away from the should-ing and instead, we can replace it with “I want to”; “I look forward to” or even, “This is meaningful to me,” which releases us a little bit from that sort of obligation and finger-wagging. On some level. Does that resonate?

AS: Yes, it does. 100%. You know, I think that for me, I've been very lucky in the sense that I feel everything so much that I know when I’m being incongruent with myself. That’s when the “shoulds of things” comes into play, and I realize, I’m out of alignment, and not matching what I'm supposed to be doing, or not matching what someone wants me to do. And I’ve gotten good at course-correcting in those moments, to become congruent with what I want to be doing. But I lost my train of thought so…back to you—

SB: As you're saying that it's making me think about, I had a patient who would often say, you know, “I'm too nice.” And it was really important to her to be perceived as nice by the outside world. She was a yes person and a people pleaser, and she was trying to get away from that.

There was so much should-ing in her internal monologues; that's where her head would go. And her challenge was to tease out the difference between what it means to be nice, versus what it means to be kind, and, you know, nice is like a place of should-ing, like, Oh, she's so nice. And somebody does this, and it's so nice. But where's kindness?

I think, again, this taps into those values, you know? What feels kind versus feeling like a doormat of niceness? To actually feel like she was bringing kindness. And so when somebody would ask her on a plane to switch seats or to pick them up at the airport, she’d have to tease out whether she would choose to be nice to the other person and say yes, which would be unkind to herself, or to be kind to herself and say no. When you choose between nice and kind by choosing kindness every time, you are creating another pathway out of should-ing.

AS: Totally, you know, that reminded me of what I was going to say. And it's that I remember a time—I must have been in my 20s maybe—when it just sort of struck me one day that I was my own person, separate from my parents, and I didn’t actually agree with everything they believed and valued. I always knew when I did or didn’t agree with them, but I never took the time to understand or ask myself what it was I believed and valued. And that was a powerful moment. To realize that my parent’s “shoulds” weren’t necessarily my shoulds and that I could carve out my own definition.

SB: Yeah. And that individuating, that is such an important piece of growth and maturity, and actually taking that moment to be like—wait, why do I actually believe this and not just sort of being on autopilot and taking that moment to reflect on what this means.

One way to get to that place as well is, I think, for parents—and friends too—rather than telling people (or telling ourselves) what we should be doing, is to ask questions. Instead of “You should study tonight", you can give them agency and autonomy by asking, “Are you going to study tonight?” so that they feel it’s their decision to make. That will offer them congruence as you said, or another way to feel connected, rather than being told.

Sometimes, you know, I've been invited to give talks somewhere. And I always ask, is it a “Voluntold” situation where people are showing up because they’re told to show up? Or will they be going because they want to go? When we give people choices and offer them that agency, they’ll feel a little bit more deliberate in their lives. And I think then the should-ing becomes a little bit less like hovering. Just to switch gears for a second. Do you think that like—what is the relationship do you think between should-ing and impostor syndrome?

AS: Well, I think it goes back to all the societal systems and one-size-fits-all frameworks that have been built that we are funneled through. We are not one size fits all people. So I feel like when we're in school, there's a lot of should-ing, you should do your homework, you should take this extra-curricular for college... When you fall outside of the parameters of standardization, then you feel different. And it’s that difference that finds you comparing yourself to the other students and other friends.

When you're an adult, and you're not getting married or having a family, you begin to feel shamed by others for not doing what they did, and you feel different. And it’s that difference that finds you comparing yourself to other adults and other friends. When you begin the habit of comparing, and you discover you want to do something original, like be a musician or an artist, you’re…it’s so reflexive at this point, that you’re like, well, I can’t do that unless I’m like Laurie Anderson or…Zadie Smith…you know? In your lifetime of comparing, you have convinced yourself that you’re not equipped, or good enough.

SB: Right? And it kind of creates avoidance too I think, and then just shying away. And I guess maybe, instead of thinking about what you’re not like, you could be affirming things for yourself in a different way, by asking what is meaningful to you. Like, what do you stand for?

One of the questions I ask patients when I first meet them is what are three things that you care about most deeply that you feel that you stand for? And sometimes they never thought about that, and so I ask them to think about it, and we discuss it, and kind of outline how they spend their time, and what did you do on Saturday, and just seeing how much overlap there is between what they care about and what they love doing. Where is it clear there is a harmonious passion for something, versus how they're spending their time, and how to create living a life doing what one cares about deeply and embodies their values?

We live in a world of endless exhaustion and micro stressors that actually having a sense of meaning acts like a buffer zone of protection.

AS: Yeah, I also want to add that we have a negative bias and we're always absorbing the things in the world that tell us that we're not doing something well, or not doing it right. It’s a practice, but it’s worth focusing on shifting your mindset and being intentional about what you bring into your consciousness, instead of constantly scanning for reasons why you aren’t valid, or why you can’t live the life you want.

Scan for things that mean YOU CAN. When you're stuck in a negative mindset, it's hard to give yourself permission to dream or wish of being a different way. When you start scanning for the positives, then once you are outside in the world, and you see other people doing things you want to do, it gives you permission to join them, and you’ll feel less alone.

SB: It's interesting you say that, I think there's so much pressure today, like this whole idea that happiness always comes from within, but it can also come from role models. Even looking at young women in the sciences, a female grad student is much more likely to persist and stay in her field, if she has role models. If you can't see it, you can't be it. I think that inspiration, those people we admire and think, “Maybe that could be me,” is so powerful, and an underutilized tool in our lexicon of psychology. It helps lift us out of the shoulds and into the coulds.

AS: Yeah and also when you're scanning for examples of ways that you could do things, write it down! Keep it somewhere, and use it as reinforcement.

SB: As we wrap this up—I guess we've covered a lot of topics between perfectionism and impostor syndrome, and the tools that people can deploy to help them get away from that cloud of should-ing that we do—are there any final words that you have, or advice for people out there, that have really helped you navigate the shoulds?

AS: Yeah, um, I think that one of the things that have really helped me is asking, myself, is this true? Or, is this essential? Is this what I want? Like you were saying before, it's asking a question, instead of demanding something of yourself. Pay attention to the tugging inside of you. I think everyone has that tugging, although not everyone connects to it.

But the more you can try and pay attention to that sort of discordant sensation in your chest cavity that you can start pulling into your awareness. You can wonder at the feeling, “What is this trying to tell me?” “Is this thing that says I’m wrong, true?” I think that can help people answer their own questions.

SB: Engaging in maybe counterfactuals? Like, what if we tried this? Or what if I reframed this to see possibility and potential rather than like a slammed door? This conversation reminds me of—Brene Brown comes to mind because she has that wonderful quote: “Let go of who you think you're supposed to be and embrace who you are.” And I think you do such a terrific job with How to Live, with your newsletter. You’re really helping people rethink who they think they're supposed to be.

So I'm so grateful to you for this conversation, and I look forward to more. Thanks, Amanda.

AS: Thank you so much for having me. This was a real pleasure.

What do you all think? Do you struggle with the sanctimonious shoulds? Have you discovered ways to overcome or tame these feral beasts? Tell me in the comments!!

Amanda

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