TOMORROW is the first Tuesday of the month which means I’ll be doing a LIVE INSTAGRAM with anxiety expert Dr. Tamar Chansky for our series, “First Tuesdays with Tamar.”

Are you overwhelmed by the long articles or don't have the bandwidth? Have no fear; TL;DR for MAY is here! This digest summarizes the vital bits from the previous month's "How to Live" newsletter so you don't miss a thing.

This piece from May 1st, 2023, was a DISPATCH FROM THE PAST about a children’s book written by bell hooks.

It’s a sneak peek inside one of my favorites—GRUMP, GROAN, GROWL illustrated by Chris Raschka

READ THE FULL PIECE HERE

This MAY 3rd piece was called Don’t Be Afraid of Change; It Might Just Be What You Need.

People are strange.

We grow taller and sometimes wider, but we are baffled and often apoplectic when circumstances change.

Despite knowing intellectually that everything is temporary, we tend to operate under the assumption that nothing should change and that once things are where we want them, they will remain that way.

It’s true—change is hard. It’s also true that resistance to change makes things harder.

In my estimation, Jason Feifer, the editor-in-chief of Entrepreneur magazine, is one of the best at simplifying ideas to level up your professional and personal growth. He also has a newsletter you should subscribe to on Beehiiv called One Thing Better.

In his book, Build for Tomorrow, Feifer examines why people feel so powerless in the face of change and explains why trying to stop the change will only clip your wings in the long run.

READ THE FULL PIECE HERE

The MAY 10th piece focused on The Reason Why Men Cry Less Than Women.

Men are not known for their tears.

In our society, crying is, sadly, regarded as feminine and soft, which are seen as weak qualities. A weak and soft argument, if you ask me.

Too many men were raised to believe that “Real men don’t cry,” conditioning future fathers, brothers, husbands, and lovers to eschew tears for fear that they aren’t masculine.

But if tears meant that “men were not men,” why would men have emotions? Why would men have the capacity to cry? Or male babies, for that matter? Tears are not the appendix of emotions. Is the reason men cry less than women all social stigma? Or is there more to the story?

Ad Vingerhoets, a clinical psychologist in the Netherlands, has a special interest in crying. Vingerhoets believes that understanding why people are the only animal to shed tears will teach us more about human beings. He studies gender differences in crying, why people cry when they’re happy, what makes people cry, and what factors have the most significant impact on crying.

When we teach a child, they’re not conforming to the status quo; we are sending the message that they are being human in the wrong way. This becomes a secret the child must hide, not because he’s wrong, but because other people are wrong.

The status quo is what’s wrong.

READ THE FULL PIECE HERE

The MAY 17th, 2023 article was about One Healer’s Profound Meditation On the Need to Fix Others.

Growing up, I felt ill-equipped for life. I didn’t know the rules or understand how anything worked. I couldn’t anticipate what was going to happen next. When you have an anxiety or panic disorder, you fear the unknown, which means the future. The not-knowing is debilitating.

I was often trapped inside an invisible terror. I knew that if something happened to my mother, I wouldn’t be able to function since she knew the rules, and I didn’t.

To ensure nothing terrible happened to my mother, I had to keep her alive. To make sure I could get my needs met, I had to meet hers.

This dynamic followed me into adulthood, leading me to make terrible romantic choices and occasionally even some ill-advised friend choices.

I don’t even realize I’m doing it. Still, because of my early and formative fear that separation meant death, I have been drawn to people who overly depend on me for emotional support, creating a one-sided relationship.

This left me doing the heavy lifting while they sat and watched—a terrible dynamic for any relationship.

The point is that a week ago, I listened to my old friend Abdi Assadi’s excellent eponymous podcast, The Abdi Assadi Podcast, and was blown away by the episode “The Need to Fix Others.”

In it, he differentiates between caretaking and fixing and where the need to fix comes from.

It explained things to me in ways that enriched my understanding and did not go soft on how people who fix also harm those who let them.

So today, I wanted to let you experience this episode while I excerpt the most revelatory bits.

READ THE FULL PIECE HERE

The MAY 24th, 2023 article was a guest post by Tamar Chansky on How to Find Motivation When You Feel Like You Have None: 20 Ideas!

I am completely unmotivated. I have no motivation. Why can’t I get myself to be motivated?!?!

Raise your hand…have you said this to yourself today?

If so, welcome; I’m so glad you’re here. You are in very good company. A species worth: A 2021 study found that only 36% of people feel engaged at work, and that was before the quiet quitting movement was even a twinkle in our glazed-over eyes… 88% of remote and 70% of in-person workers report experiencing burnout.

These days, feeling stuck or trying to overcome it is the dominant experience.

Whether you are staring down the end of the semester, looking at piles of papers or laundry, or waking up with the terrible weight of I CAN’T on your chest, there’s actually a good reason for it.

You are tired.

You’ve been pushing too long.

You need a break.

Your expectations are too high for anyone to reach.

Perhaps you’re trying to navigate from point A to point Z—without the steps marked out in between.

Feeling unmotivated can lead to a lot of suffering.

Here are 20 ideas and some truths and hacks about how we get things done…

READ THE FULL PIECE HERE

The MAY 31st, 2023 article was about How to be Human: Andrew Solomon on the Meaning of Difference.

Noonday Demon and Far From the Tree: Parents, Children, and the Search for Identity are back-to-back classics. The introduction in my copy of Far From the Tree is so heavily highlighted it’s added an extra half-pound to the book.

We are raised to follow the mold of our parents, of adhering to their values and beliefs, because we were raised with the mistaken notion that their governing beliefs would naturally become ours.

But what happens when we are born in such a way that our physical appearance alone belies the assumed facts our parents had for us?

Why is it so difficult to accept differences in our children?

Perhaps, as Solomon so eloquently writes, it’s because:

When our children are born with identities that do not resemble ours, when their preferences or abilities are foreign and unshared by their parents, and whose traits can only be found in groups outside their families, they live in horizontal identities.

Identities that are familiar to parents and professionals are considered vertical. These identities are reinforced, highlighted, respected, and accepted. Vertical identities are passed down through genes and the environment.

They embody attributes like ethnicity, skin color, and language. Being born straight to straight parents is a vertical identity. Being born gay to straight parents is a horizontal identity.

And those born into horizontal identities are often subject to impulses that begin and end as perceived deficits their parents endeavor to fix.

Who decides what is acceptable and what isn’t? Who decides what is an identity and an illness, and who decides that someone is not suitable because we don’t understand them?

READ THE FULL PIECE HERE

MAY RECS:

Until next week, I remain…