Hello Subscribers!
Are you overwhelmed by the long articles, or don't have the bandwidth? Have no fear; TL;DR for APRIL is here! This digest summarizes the vital bits from the previous month's "How to Live" newsletter so you don't miss a thing.
On the first Tuesday of every month, anxiety expert Dr. Tamar Chansky and I do an IG Live called “Tuesdays with Tamar.”
The topic for tomorrow (May 2nd) is What to Do When You’re Feeling Unmotivated. To watch or participate, follow me on Instagram.
This article from April 4th, 2023, was about WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE ONE-SIZE-FITS-ALL LIFE DOESN’T FIT.
I’ve never succeeded at doing “What people do.”
I’ve tried but failed at living according to conventional heterosexual markers and common rites of passage. Many people do “what people do” without questioning whether this ready-made formula is the life they want, assuming it is the path of least resistance. But is it easier when you live according to society’s prescribed notions of a proper life?
The one-size-fits-all model of life doesn’t fit a lot of people. I’m one of those people.
It’s hard to live in a world as a never-married, child-free woman. This world rewards couples and families and mistreats people like me. When I have a boyfriend, I’m invited to dinner parties, barbecues, cocktail parties, and other couple-y affairs. When I’m single, I’m suddenly … not. I’ve talked about this with other single people, wondering if it was just me—maybe I’m more likable when I’m partnered? But, nope, this happens to them also. It’s truly bizarre.
I remembered learning about the “sad” 18th- and 19th-century “spinsters” who were decades younger than me and ostracized by their communities for being unmarried and child-free. Looking back now, it’s clear they were bucking the norms, rebelling against convention and conformity. Whether or not it was intentional, they were revolutionaries—pitied then, and celebrated now.
And that’s when it hit me.
When others look back on this time and see middle-aged women who are single and child-free, we might also be seen as revolutionaries. Perhaps in the future, after I’m long gone, women like me will be celebrated, looked up to, and heralded.
So why not think of myself from that perspective instead of how society has not subtly conditioned me to think about myself?
This APRIL 12th piece was about How to STOP Should-ing On Yourself and Others.
Last year, during Mental Health Awareness Month, Samantha Boardman invited me to do an Instagram Live about How and Why We Must Stop Should-ing Ourselves. This piece was an abridged and edited transcript of that conversation.
SB: Sometimes, you know, I've been invited to give talks somewhere. And I always ask, is it a “Voluntold” situation where people are showing up because they’re told to show up? Or will they be going because they want to go? When we give people choices and offer them that agency, they’ll feel a little bit more deliberate in their lives. And I think then the should-ing becomes a little bit less like hovering. Just to switch gears for a second. Do you think that, like—what is the relationship between should-ing and impostor syndrome?
AS: Well, I think it goes back to all the societal systems and one-size-fits-all frameworks that have been built that we are funneled through. We are not one size fits all people. So I feel like when we're in school, there's a lot of should-ing, you should do your homework, you should take this extra-curricular for college... When you fall outside of the parameters of standardization, then you feel different. And that difference finds you comparing yourself to the other students and friends.
When you're an adult and not getting married or having a family, you begin to feel shamed by others for not doing what they did, and you feel different. And it’s that difference that finds you comparing yourself to other adults and other friends. When you begin the habit of comparing, and you discover you want to do something original, like be a musician or an artist, you’re…it’s so reflexive at this point that you’re like, well, I can’t do that unless I’m like Laurie Anderson or…Zadie Smith…you know? In your lifetime of comparing, you have convinced yourself you’re not equipped or good enough.
SB: Right? And it creates avoidance too, and then just shies away. And I guess maybe, instead of thinking about what you’re not like, you could be affirming things for yourself differently by asking what is meaningful to you. Like, what do you stand for?
When I first meet them, one of the questions I ask patients is, what are three things you care about most deeply that you feel you stand for? And sometimes they never thought about that, and so I ask them to think about it, and we discuss it, and kind of outline how they spend their time, and what did you do on Saturday, and just seeing how much overlap there is between what they care about and what they love doing. Where is it clear there is a harmonious passion for something versus how they're spending their time and how to create living a life doing what one cares about deeply and embodies their values?
We live in a world of endless exhaustion and micro stressors that have a sense of meaning and act like a buffer zone of protection.
The APRIL 19th piece was about how To Care For Our Youth; We Must Care For Ourselves First.
The Emergency
On December 7, 2021, two months after the American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, and the Children’s Hospital Association joined forces to declare a national state of emergency for children’s mental health, the U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy made headlines when he confirmed this, announcing to the nation that kids were struggling, especially in the wake of the pandemic.
Overlooking Emotions
We have dismissed children’s emotional pain as long as children have existed because we dismiss emotions. We have been socialized to believe the narrative that is crying and feeling signals weakness for so many generations that it is nearly impossible to deprogram it from our brains or transmit the message that it is fundamentally untrue. What’s the point of having emotions if you don’t feel them?
Children feel out loud, and we often shut them down. Adults feel more inwardly, and we are often shut down by others or, worse, by our internal voices. It’s impossible to tend to other people’s emotions with any tenderness and care when we neglect or belittle our own.
We deserve the resources to get the help we need for our mental health and the mental health of our children. While the resources for adults are lacking, it’s even worse for children.
Where Did It All Go Wrong?
As we know, kids receive information from social media, the news, their friends, and their parents. They absorb our morals and values and those of their heroes. They cope the way the adults in their lives and in the world do.
The world is more polarized than ever. Many of our politicians do not behave like sophisticated adults—they threaten, belittle, and create policies that actively hurt women, children, and those with visible or invisible perceived differences.
Our society has its values and morals backward. We’ve created a paradigm of success predicated on money, power, and consumption. It’s hard for adults not to get sucked in; it’s even harder for kids.
To Help Our Kids, We Have to Help Ourselves.
First, know this: You did your best. You DO your best. Even when you don’t feel at your best, you show up. The pandemic was not your fault. Your choices during the pandemic were not wrong, and they did not screw up your kid/s. You have to give yourself a break; these were unprecedented times.
True connection is an integral part of our mental health. It can take as little as ten minutes. Be completely present with someone, anyone, for ten minutes. Don’t check your phone, and don’t turn on the TV. Just have a conversation. Listen. Share. Don’t interrupt or finish someone else’s sentence. Try to match the amount of talking you do with theirs.
There are a ton of resources and helpful tips.
The April 26, 2023 article was about how The Fear of Public Scrutiny Powers Social Anxiety in Kids and Adults.
Every child, except perhaps those home-schooled, has missed fundamental markers of social development. Whether they’re 4 or 20, young people have suffered in ways that are different from adults, so it can be harder for us to understand.
But that’s not the only reason the kids are in a worse spot. If you’ve ever had a panic attack, you know how terrifying it feels. Now, imagine being a kid experiencing that same terrifying-as-an-adult panic attack. It’s annihilating.
It’s one thing to try to explain the pandemic and other news-related anxiety-inducing information to kids while keeping their sense of safety intact. It’s an entirely different matter trying to explain what’s happening inside them as they react to these events.
But we must try.
The defining feature of social anxiety is the fear of scrutiny and judgment. This fear persuades kids that their safest route to remaining unharmed is avoidance.
Central to any anxiety-related experience is the ratio of fear to reality. Anxiety shows up as a reaction that is disproportionate to a situation.
People with anxiety confuse safe things with unsafe things. Anxiety is like having a faulty alarm system that goes off for movement inside the house when its job is to prevent intruders from outside.
This sense that their fears are visible can limit a person because social anxiety appears when interacting with another person, making minor moments like eating or drinking in front of others or using a public restroom feel high-stakes.
Because of this, avoidance seems like the only solution—it’s not.
Kids don’t know why they feel fearful or anxious. They don’t know what triggers are or how to self-soothe or break the big fears into smaller steps.
I list 12 tactics that can help kids and adults, and I add some great resources.
APRILS RECS:
There should be four, but sometimes I can’t do it all.
Don't keep How to Live a secret: This newsletter is written for everyone interested in psychology and the art of living.
👉 Share the email with friends.
Until next week, I remain…
Amanda
📬️ Got questions, comments, or ideas for topics? Please email me at: [email protected]
Nope, I'm not a therapist or a medical professional; I’m just a human trying to figure out how to live.
Did a friend send you this? Join us here if you want!
Join the conversation